Mark Ingram Facts

After his 246-yard rushing game against Carolina, Alabama running back Mark Ingram has shot to the top of a number of Heisman Trophy rankings. We’re kind of doubtful about Ingram winning the trophy, since Crimson Tide back Shaun Alexander was denied and so was Arkansas back Darren McFadden. Texas quarterback Colt McCoy is our prime suspect for the award, because whenever anyone says his name, it’s accompanied by the sound of Colt .45s (the gun, not the malt beverage).

So, piggybacking on the Chuck Norris trope (”trope” is the new “meme”), Roll Bama Roll put together the Top 10 Mark Ingram facts.

1. Mark Ingram can boil water with the power of his stare. Ingram got the idea after seeing Firestarter on cable at the age of seven and, after three weeks of practice, was able to bring a full stock pot to a rolling boil within 30 seconds.

2. It was actually Mark Ingram who produced The Grey Album. Though DJ Danger Mouse is universally credited for the Jay-Z/Beatles mash-up, it was Ingram who conceived the idea and did all the mixing.  Though Ingram knew his work would inevitably be hailed as a stroke of genius and create huge publicity for himself, he instead sent it to Danger Mouse out of a desire to distance himself from both the Beatles, who he considers overrated, and Jay-Z, his romantic rival for the affections of Beyonce.  This also explains why Gnarls Barkley, the much hyped Danger Mouse follow up, kinda sucks.

3. Wes Anderson’s Rushmore is a highly fictionalized retelling of a real love triangle involving Mark Ingram, Eva Mendes, and Willem Dafoe. Eva still calls.

4. Mark Ingram is behind Steve Spurrier’s complaints over the use of tape on place kicks and piped in music. Not satisfied with his on the field humiliation of Spurrier and the Gamecocks, Ingram decided to use his powers of mind control to make Spurrier seem petty and small in defeat as well.

5. Mark Ingram once prepared a full seven course meal for a stray dog. The dog hasn’t required food since.

6. Mark Ingram’s body is so efficient that he does not produce waste. He does, however, still excuse himself to the restroom to read and avoid awkward social situations.

7. At age 12 Mark Ingram performed a flawless rendtion of Elgar’s Cello Concerto in E Minor, despite having never touched a single musical instrument previously (or since).

8. In a previous life Mark Ingram was a tank serving in Patton’s Third Army, and took place in the rescue of the 101st Airborne division that was surrounded by German forces at Bastogne.  Though the Airborne troops famously claimed afterwards that they didn’t need rescuing from the Nazis, what they didn’t admit was that they needed rescuing from Mark Ingram who, when set to “kill”, no longer possesses the ability to tell friend from foe.  It is his only known design flaw.

9. Mark Ingram bench presses ice cream trucks to stay in shape during the offseason. This disappoints Coach Saban, who knows he can do better.

10. Alabama’s “Wildcat” package has several designed pass plays, though Ingram is no longer allowed to run them. The property damage and loss of life becamse too much during spring practice.