While we wait on the latest off-field bullshit with Brett Favre, The Onion beat us to the greatest story of the NFL offseason. That is, of the Green Bay Packers fan that isn’t going to give up his hops. Choice quote, “The Packers are my life, and drinking is my life. I think I have another couple thousand beers left in me.”

In a stunning come-from-behind upset of the No. 1 seed in our league, the Columbia Hacks won the league championship thanks to an eight-point margin of victory in Week 17. The run through the playoffs represent a turnaround after a disappointing 1-3 finish to the regular season, capped off by consecutive losses.

Still, the regular season left the Hacks with the second-best record, thanks greatly in part to Maurice Jones-Drew, Philip Rivers and Wes Welker. It didn’t hurt to have the Saints and Ravens defenses to draw on, too. Of course, when it came down to the final weeks, there needed to be some changes made. We plugged in Pittsburgh tight end Heath Miller and wide receiver Mike Wallace, but slid in the Ravens’ D/ST and kept Patriots’ kicker Stephen Gostkowski. We received endless hell during the draft about selecting a kicker with the ninth pick, but he scored 12 points against the Texans. WHO’S LAUGHING NOW?! Miller and the Ravens also turned in stellar days while Welker was knocked out in the first quarter.

Now, we only need to go and pick up a trophy for this stellar achievement. Unfortunately, it will probably pale in comparison to The Shiva.

Children in Alabama, and no doubt a number in the Borough of Queens, grow up listening to stories about Joseph William Namath, the gunslinger from Beaver Falls, Penn., who went to Alabama and became Tide coach Bear Bryant’s first true superstar at The Capstone. In the early ’60s in Alabama, when the civil rights struggle was gaining national attention, Joe Willie’s performance in crimson was a welcome distraction and cause for celebration. Even if his knees were so bad, he was once streaking down the field against Tennessee when his ACL went the way of the dodo.

Then there was New York. This kid from western Pennsylvania had developed a Southern accent and adopted the South as his own, but he was always made for the big time. You can’t get more big time than New York City. Broadway Joe had shown up, ready to play. That is, on the field, and off of it. He was in commercials, movies, sports talk programs. He showed up on the sideline with an expensive fur coat.

He guaranteed a Super Bowl win, and delivered.

And, great football stars don’t die, they just fade away. Some better than others. Namath was always a partier — he was suspended by Bryant from the Orange Bowl because of it — but his on-camera embarrassment with Suzy Kolber even woke him up and he got into treatment. That was the last time he made a splash on the wires. Until his dogs asked, “How does Brown taste to me?”

A UPS guy is suing Namath for a 2007 incident in which the Hall of Famer’s dogs allegedly attacked him as he delivered a package. But, come on. Everybody knows dogs go batshit crazy when the UPS truck passes by, and if you’re kitted out in the brown and yellow, you’re just asking for it. It’s like strapping bacon to your thighs.

OK, so Namath’s dogs aren’t the nicest in the world to strangers. Our uncle had a chow that was perfectly great to him, but would rip your face off if it didn’t know you. Let Joe chill. He’s earned it.

Thursday, the Colts took on the Jaguars, which only meant a damn to us as our boy, Maurice Jones-Drew, put up a nasty amount of fantasy points on the Indianapolis defense. Wins? Losses? Screw that. We need rushing yards, receptions and touchdowns. Love you, MJD.

Anyway, Carl from “Aqua Teen Hunger Force” is a big football fan. He knew what was going to happen from the get-go, probably because of the hints he gets from his Zubaz pants.

Something tells us La. Gov. Bobby Jindal is just another pandering politician and doesn’t really care about football. After all, he had to get out front on the New Orleans Saints bandwagon, considering for a few games this year more than three of every four televisions in the Crescent City were turned onto the Saints game. Now, Jindal is acting like he’s been paying close attention to the NFL even before the days of Bobby Hebert and Billy Joe Tolliver.

The once beleaguered franchise that was jokingly referred to as the “Aint’s” for much of its history are now the toast of Louisiana, something that has not gone unnoticed by Jindal.

“I’m a lifelong Saints fan,” he said in an interview on WWL, a local radio station. “I remember the bad times and the good times, when they were 1-15, as well as this year’s incredible, incredible run.”

Jindal then predicted that the Saints would go “not only undefeated, but all the way through the Super Bowl, something that’s never been done before.”

OK. Anybody that’s followed the NFL for a few years will inevitably end up learning about the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the first and only team in the league to go undefeated and win the Super Bowl. The 2007 edition of the New England Patriots came close, but the New York Giants had something to say about that.

Really, though. Don Shula. Bob Griese. Larry Csonka. The No-Name Defense. We only give a damn about pro football in as much as it relates to our fantasy team, and apparently we know more about the history of the league than a guy who says he’s been watching the game since he was a kid.

While the NCAA rules its member institutions like a mafia boss with dementia, and has put the kibosh on almost all Native American university mascots, professional sports is a different animal altogether. We still have the Cleveland Indians, Kansas City Chiefs and, thanks to the U.S. Supreme Court dismissing a suit, the Washington Redskins.

Suzan Harjo v. Pro-Football Inc., a case that began in 1992, centered on whether a dispute over a potentially offensive trademark can be dismissed if the challenge was not filed promptly. Though the Trademark Trial and Appeal Board ruled in 1999 that the name was disparaging and should be changed, the U.S. District Court for the District of Columbia and U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals in Washington, D.C. later decided that the challengers had waited too long to file their petition. The Redskins first registered the mascot with the Patent and Trademark Office in 1967.

Bam! Technicality, for the win. Imagine how much you’ve got to be pissed to see that after 17 years of litigation, your case is thrown out because of a bit of easily accessible trademark law. Considering the association with porcine creatures after the run in the ’80s, it could have been possible for the Skins to make a change to, the Washington Hogs, for the Washington Boars, or something else wretched, then steal Arkansas’ logo. Done and done.

The move by the Court wasn’t the only win for Washington, which beat the Denver Broncos by 10 points on Sunday. It was a big victory for a team that has been worse than mediocre this season. The Broncos‘ quarterback Kyle Orton was knocked out of the game and replaced with Chris Simms, which fairly well killed any chances for #teamhorsey to do anything.

Here’s a stat line for the kids: Simms went 3-of-13 for 13 yards and a pick. What, they didn’t have anybody else on the bench that could do better than that? The third-string backup is Fresno State product Tom Brandstater. The man has yet to see playing time this year. Maybe he should.

As far as the Redskins go, they’re not mathematically eliminated from the playoffs yet. But, with six losses on the board and seven games left, they’re going to have to see some magic happen out there to claim one of the NFC wild card spots.

There will be a lot of pink on the field when NFL teams suit up on Sunday, and throughout October. The league is joining with the American Cancer Society to raise awareness for breast cancer research and treatment, with teams sporting pink accessories, along with other accoutrements.

Throughout October, NFL games will feature players, coaches and referees wearing pink game apparel to raise awareness for the campaign, as well as on-field pink ribbon stencils and special K-balls and pink coins.

Also, after the games, the gear will be auctioned off on NFL.com with the proceeds going to ACS and team charities. Cincinnati Bengals wide receiver Chad Ochocinco is pretty excited, and has been giving his Twitter account a workout showing what he’ll be putting on this weekend.

Shoes

Gloves

Chin straps

Wristbands

Mouthpiece

Helmet stickers

Cincinnati Bengals wide receiver Chad Ochocinco is a funny guy. When you’re playing for a franchise with a history that has fail stamped all over it, it helps to have a sense of humor. Now, it looks like ol’ 85 just wants to crash with the President.

Carolina Panthers quarterback Jake Delhomme is for sale, so gather up the coins out of your couch, pawn your Xbox and see what kind of deal you can get for this quarterback who almost won the Super Bowl, once.

Recently, Delhomme has been under fire for totally melting down. Sunday, the UL-Lafayette grad put up an apocalyptic 14.7 passer rating. That comes from going 7-of-17 for 73 yards and four picks. The 11-year vet did all this as his team was blown out 38-10 to Philadelphia.

Welcome to the auction block, Jake.

OK, Wall Street Journal — don’t write about college football. Ever. Our regional/local papers across the football-mad areas of the South and the Midwest can do a good enough job writing stories that send a blinding flash of the obvious. Apparently, ooh, a vast majority of football coaches, especially college coaches, tend to be conservative.

Well, hell. You could knock us over with a Blake Mitchell.

Florida State head coach (and Birmingham native) Bobby Bowden said in the story, “I’d say that sounds likely — very likely. … In coaching, you’ve got to have more discipline and you’ve got to be more strict and just conservative, I think. It fits with the Republicans.”

Unfortunately, the piece also quotes noted fraud Lou Holtz, which is like talking to former U.S. Rep. Jim Traficant about ethics. Regardless, it seems that 74.3 percent of contributions to the presidential nominees last year from college and pro coaches (we have to assume they only looked at FBS coaches — the story doesn’t say either way) went to U.S. Sen. John McCain.

Tom Osborne, legendary Nebraska coach and former three-term member of the U.S. House, said, “There’s an awful lot of people who want to be in coaching for the number of jobs. It’s highly competitive. And many of them have had to spend a fair amount of time as graduate assistants, interns — as much as four, five, six, seven, eight years — making very, very little money to get into the profession. And they will work 70, 80, 90 hours a week during the season. I think that background — adherence to discipline, sometimes sacrifice, loyalty to core values—those things tend to have people move in that direction.”

For the next WSJ story, it’ll say that “offense wins games, but defense wins championships.”