South Carolina resident and columnist Kathleen Parker has made some noise over the past couple years, including winning a Pulitzer. However, we’ve never found her columns particularly worthwhile, and the idea of getting a Pulitzer for being able to articulate your own opinion well seems particularly asinine, but the Pulitzer committee obviously thinks differently. You may have heard that she will be a part of a new television point-counterpoint show with former N.Y. Gov. Eliot Spitzer. Some are calling it the rebirth of “Crossfire,” like it’s a good thing. People seem to forget that the last time “Crossfire” was worthwhile was when Michael Kinsley would face off against Robert Novak or Pat Buchanan. It was appointment viewing during the 1992 election cycle, and got progressively more hackneyed until Jon Stewart’s appearance effectively killed the show.

But we digress.

Here’s the thing — Parker wrote a column about the new venture on Monday, and it was so loaded with bullshit you’d swear that you’ve been infected with giardia. To start off, she expresses that unless you pay attention to financial news, you wouldn’t have known who Spitzer was before he was arrested in that famous prostitution roundup. Eh, no. We knew who Spitzer was when he was the state attorney general. Know why? Because his crusades against illegal activities on Wall Street made national news. And if you read Parker’s columns, you probably knew about him when he was AG, as well.

And when Spitzer became “Client No. 9,” she savaged him. O, no longer for the Empire State’s “Mr. Comeback.”

He was prescient about Wall Street, in other words, long before the financial crisis that now affects us all. I’m not defending Spitzer or condoning his behavior, but like the rest of us, he is not only one thing. To those he investigated or brought down, he’s far worse than Client No. 9. To the everyday New Yorker on the street, who sees Spitzer as a crusader for the little guy, he’s a hero.

Ultimately, I decided that his obvious intelligence, insights and potential contributions outweighed his other record. As far as I’m concerned, especially given that he has stepped down from public office, the flaws that brought Spitzer down are between him and his family. For my part, I believe in redemption. I think most Americans do.

We think the ’80s Valley Girl expression “gag me with a spoon” is the proper reaction to those two paragraphs. Breaking it down, she’s basically saying, “CNN told me I had to think he was a good guy, so yeah — lurve.” And throughout the piece, there’s not one single mention of money. Not one. One of our favorite commentators, Tony Kornheiser, made much of this on his radio show on Monday. Mr. Tony nailed her, recalling his own transition from The Washington Post to television, mentioning the four reasons one goes to TV.

1. To help your friends.
2. To destroy your enemies.
3. To get a good table at a restaurant (and “maybe a free sammich”).
…and most importantly
4. To make money.

Don’t let Parker’s self-serving commentary fool you. CNN flashed dollar signs at her and all of a sudden she is enthralled with Spitzer and ready to “discuss things [she] care[s] about” and “speak for many who have no voice.” Right. The only thing worse than an opinion monger (and we know this from experience, obvs) is one who does it for the money and then tries to act like their shit doesn’t stink. She isn’t better or more representative of the average American than any other syndicated columnist. But it looks like she thinks she does.

We get a lot of weird emails over here, and this is the fruit of one of the weirdest, and most entertaining. Behold, the rhyme of the S.C. primary.

“We Got a Primary”
Jim Clyburn robo-callin’ me all day like a stalker ex
Vinny Sheheen sayin’ ain’t no runoff with Jim Rex
Kelly Payne damn changin’ the game for ed
Joe Wilson all “You lie” — oh, no, that’s what Haley said
What, what — it’s the primary down here in S.C.
What, what, got CNN, Chuck Todd, MSNBC
What, what, got Jakie Knotts, two more shots, burning crosses in Santee
What, what, know Wes Wolfe can only vote absentee

Callin’ all you Tea Party yellow coiled snake flag wavers
McMaster clowns got Will Folks doin’ Andre Bauer favors
Got emails, videos, private eyes out takin’ pictures
Bill Connor goin’ all “Too much of this” on Larry Richter
Everybody tweetin’ “Where the party at tomorrow evenin’?”
Bauer got a bus full of young chicks, cross the state line he leavin’
What, what it’s the primary down in Succa-lina
What, what, got national politicos sayin’ “Mmmmmm, nothin’ fine-uh”
What, what, got Gina Smith and her homeboy John O’Connah
What, what, got a primary down in Succa-lina
What, what, got a primary down in Succa-line

We used to watch Lou Dobbs a good bit, even though his chief on-air talent deputy is named “Kitty.” What is this, the ’50s? Anyway, when he started boarding his own personal daily crazy train against Central and South American immigrants, we decided to take a pass.

If you ever took an Early Latin American History class in college (What, you didn’t? For shame.), you know that the current Southwest United States was settled by Native Americans first, and Latinos second. Then the white man came in and voilà, we get the Mexican War.

Dobbs’ strange fixation with illegal immigrants from Latin American countries, as time as gone on, has begun to border on the clinically paranoid. As in the classic “South Park” line, “They took our jerrrrrrbs.” Look fella, if you got a decent education, you wouldn’t be fighting Manuel for a $5.25 janitorial job, OK? Shit, man, you were born here. You had way, way more opportunity than that guy to move up the ladder and you pissed it away. That’s on you.

Immigration is as American as concussions in football and steroids in baseball. If your ancestors are mostly white, they came here of their own volition to make a better life. Same for most other ethnicities. If your ancestors are mostly black, they were brought over by force. If your ancestors are mostly Native American, they got royally fucked over. We’re sorry for that, but the government has other fish to fry.

Frankly, we don’t like illegal immigration any more than Tom Tancredo. But you’re not going to stop it by building walls — when have walls ever worked for anything? Never. Any wall can be overcome. Just ask the Germans, or the Chinese, or any number of dead medieval European guys. It would be great if everybody could be processed and come in a citizen. However, that’s not happening and anybody that says they have a quick and easy solution is lying to you.

Don’t tell that to Dobbsy, though, whose paranoia meter hit 11 recently when his house was hit by a bullet. He claimed, per the jokesters at Wonkette, “if anybody thinks that we’re not engaged in the battle for the soul of this country right now, you’re sorely mistaken.” The CNN talking head seems to believe that his house was hit as a threat, because of his regular, early evening polemics.

The police seem to have a different take on the matter.

Interviews with the New Jersey State Police yielded a rather different assessment of the events described by Dobbs. In a phone interview conducted yesterday, Sgt. Stephen Jones, a NJ State Police spokesperson, chuckled out loud after he heard about Dobbs’ account of the gunfire incident. Jones commented that he “wouldn’t classify it [the gunfire incident] as very unusual.” He also confirmed that there are hunters in the area, and stated that, “at this time of year hunter [shooting] complaints go up.”

He observed that in the ongoing police investigation sparked by Dobbs’ complaint, “nothing has been determined [regarding] what the intended target for this bullet was.” Nor did Jones confirm whether the shots near Dobbs’ house appeared to be an accident or intentional.

Another New Jersey State Police spokesperson, Sgt. Julian Castellanos, noted that “it’s a wide open area and there are hunters in the area.” Castellanos explained that the bullet had hit the house in vicinity of the attic; it “hit the vinyl siding and fell to the ground” without penetrating the vinyl, he said.

While Lou Dobbs’ wife, Debi Lee Segura, was standing outside the house at the time of the gunfire, the bullet did not come close to her; it “struck at the apex of the house, near the roof,” and thus considerably higher than a standing person, Jones observed.

[...]

When asked to comment for this story, Dobbs disputed the New Jersey State Police’s account, saying in an email that “there was no hunting season underway three weeks ago.” However, an official at the NJ Division of Fish and Wildlife Bureau of Law Enforcement confirmed in a phone interview that state hunting seasons were underway at the time of the gunfire incident three weeks ago.

Oh, Dobbsy. You never fail to amuse.

Gov. Mark Sanford‘s announcement

Former DNC chair Don Fowler on CNBC

The Washington Post‘s Eugene Robinson on MSNBC’s “Countdown“

Sen. Jake Knotts on Fox News’ “Studio B“

SCDP chair Carol Fowler on Fox News’ “Studio B“

The Washington Post‘s Charles Krauthammer on Fox News’ “Special Report“

CNN team discusses Sanford announcement

CNN producer Peter Hamby appears to be a little closer to pinning down what exactly happened over the past few days, as he discovered the SLED vehicle taken by Gov. Mark Sanford on his sojourn. The SUV was found at the Columbia airport, which would make the report of Sanford boarding a plane in Atlanta make more sense.

According to the report, the Chevy contained items like a canvas bag and a sleeping bag, but also special law enforcement equipment like blue lights and a two-way radio. It still remains unknown of the Governor abused his power by taking a law enforcement vehicle for personal use.